Controlling the Impossible

4-minute read — by BTES Staff

The holiday season brings a mix of enjoyable activities and experiences, which are often combined with stress and a frenzied pace that can invite a sense of feeling out of control.

We’re inundated with societal messages that the holidays should be happy, merry, and joyful, which invites us to detach from our full emotional experience and suffer through the stress, in order to achieve certain outcome that match our preconception of a “successful” holiday season.

Trying to control outcomes is fundamentally driven by an erroneous belief that we can and should create certain emotional experiences for ourselves and/or others.

For example, you may desire to show affection to family and friends by preparing a special meal. In an attempt to control the outcome of the event and ensure everyone has a great time, you might spend a full day or more slaving away in the kitchen, stressing over every detail of the preparation, trying to ensure everyone’s favorite dish is perfected, carefully planning the guest list for compatibility, and assigning seats at the table in a way that shows deference to a social hierarchy. Underneath the selfless presentation is the hope that everyone appreciates you for your self-sacrifice and dedication to the task. They darn well better not hint that the meat was dry!

Another sign of trying to cope with the stress and control outcomes is to make extensive lists. We make task lists (hang the lights, buy a tree, decorate the house, buy groceries, run 12 errands), shopping lists (gifts for everyone, including the mailman), guest lists (have to ensure the right mix of people at the party so everyone gets along), holiday card mailing lists (don’t want anyone to feel unvalued or left out), Christmas cookie delivery lists (nothing says “I care” like cookies), party lists (don’t want someone to feel disappointed by not attending their party), meal plans (something over the top to ensure it’s special), and table seating plans (don’t want Jane to be bored sitting next to Mary).

With such exhaustive planning, there’s simply no room for tuning-in to what feels meaningful or assessing what may be of higher priority. The tasks must get done, and by golly we’re going to get them done come hell or high water! Sound familiar?

While the motivations behind these attempts at control are usually well intended, the consequence is an increasing sense of stress, anxiety, insecurity, disconnection, inadequacy, and futility. Attempting to control what you have no control over is, ironically, a recipe for feeling out of control.

The one and only thing you can control is your behavior. Not someone else’s behavior, and certainly not someone else’s emotional experience, no matter how hard you try. While you may get through the season with nothing worse than a “holiday hangover,” these behaviors more commonly create personal strain, and disconnection within your significant relationships; the opposite effect to the desired intention.

Because the holiday season is full of pressures, expectations, and powerful invitations to control specific outcomes, it presents an uncommon opportunity to sharpen your emotional skills and learn healthier ways of dealing with life. Learning how to control the only thing you can control—yourself—and to do so in a way that feels purposeful, grounded, and harmonious, are skills learned through the guidance of a professional therapist. Rather than another year of buckling-down and putting on a happy face, make this the time you learn to successfully create what you truly want.