My Bad: The Misunderstood Apology

4-minute read — by BTES Staff

While we may have dozens of ways to say we’re sorry in our language, an apology may be one of the most misused and misunderstood exchanges within any close relationship.

An apology is commonly used in an attempt to escape punishment (“I already said I’m sorry!”), assert power over someone (“Why am I always the one who has to apologize?!”), put an end to an interaction (“I apologized, let’s move on!”), or to otherwise pacify a grievance. While these forms of use may momentarily suppress the issue at hand, they will not lead to true resolution. We refer to this as “unfinished business.” The accumulation of unfinished business leads to greater distance, increasing tension, and the potential demise of a relationship.

Unfinished business rarely encapsulates any one specific issue. It’s expected that issues will arise in all relationships; they are not signs of failure or inadequacy. In fact, encountering issues and being able to resolve them is the real treasure of a close relationship. It’s the sincere willingness and interest for exploring the experiences that arise between people that leads to the cultivation of deeper understanding, respect, appreciation, safety, connection, and ultimately a feeling of true emotional intimacy. In this way, issues that arise between people become a primary vehicle for creating deeper and more connected relationships.

Much of the misunderstanding and misuse of apologies stems from an inaccurate belief that an apology ends an issue. Dealing with an issue always involves defining who is responsible for what, and an apology helps to define this responsibility. An apology, therefore, is not the end of an issue, but the beginning of the resolution of that issue.

An effective apology—what we refer to as a “truthful apology”—necessitates three elements. If any of these three elements is missing, then the situation remains in the category of unfinished business.

First, the experience must be fully acknowledged. This requires investing whatever time is necessary to explore the experience, listening, being present, engaging, and being willing to remain involved even when you become uncomfortable with what you are hearing.

Second, responsibility for the behavior that invited the experience must be fully claimed. This is the part of an apology that most people are familiar with. This is the acceptance that a behavior created consequences, some or most of which were undesirable for the other person, even if the intention behind the behavior was not malicious.

Third, the apology is complete when there is a commitment to change future behavior in order to create a different experience together. This is not simply a reluctant or begrudging compromise, but the creation of a more conscious and deliberate interaction for mutual benefit.

Understanding and integrating each of these components, teasing-out the entanglement of overlapping issues and unfinished business, and defining individual responsibilities are just a few of the skills learned from a proficient therapist to help you create true resolution.

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