Can We Talk?

4-minute read — by BTES Staff

Romantic relationships have undergone a revolution in the last twenty-five years that is nearly as radical as the one when arranged marriages gave way to romantic pursuits during the 18th and 19th centuries. Instead of meeting potential partners through friends, coworkers, at bars or at school, couples now meet primarily online. A two-dimensional profile determines whether you meet someone or not. One swipe of the finger and someone is eliminated, perhaps you.

People today seem to be more attracted to data than they are to real people. After years of texting, IM’ing, and basically living with their face in a phone, most young people have very poor social skills. They relate to data and mock emotional connection. They still have the same basic need for intimacy, for which people have yearned for millennia, but years of shallow interactions leave people feeling incapable of creating that intimacy. They settle for momentary hook-ups and occasional shared activities.

Data-based relationships prevail, but they leave those practicing them feeling hopeless in the search for true love. Younger adults must learn social skills that are largely foreign to them before they can even begin to learn the skills to create true intimacy. They are handicapped by the technology they love.

Romance-based relationships begin with a deep sense of attraction; emotions that are powerful, motivating, desirable and memorable. When the going gets tough in a romance-based relationship, you have prior experience with that person that tells you what it could be like, and gives you hope that you can recover those powerful emotions.

Data-based relationships are often viewed as disposable, much like the screening process of swiping a profile image. There is an inherent lack of emotional power behind the initial stages. So when their relationship becomes challenged by personal issues, as all relationships must, they have little or no vision of what intimacy might look like. Expectations are low. Rewards are low. Tenacity is irrelevant. Just move on to the next screen.

Relationships are never easy. They are not meant to be. All of the fairytales and love songs depict only the beginning of a relationship, and then fail to illustrate how well the partners work together to deal with all of life’s issues that follow. Sadly, these are the only sources of relationship education for most people.

Consider for a moment: Where did you receive your training in how to build a truly intimate relationship? Love is just one of the myriad emotions in any relationship. But love is never enough to create true intimacy. What dictates if a relationship can fulfill its purpose of intimacy is how well two partners work together to deal with the many, many issues that must arise.

Working together to effectively deal with interpersonal issues requires training; emotional skills training. This is what Relationship Therapy is all about. Since very few people ever receive emotional skills training, everyone needs relationship therapy.

Therapy is not about pointing the finger and finding blame. Therapy digs below the superficial experiences to find the faulty imprints that are driving the partners apart. Therapy teaches you new skills that allow you to finally create the true and meaningful intimacy you seek.

Regardless of whether you started your romantic relationship with real-life, 3-D contact, or with a 2-D data profile, you need to learn emotional skills to create the intimacy that heals your heart and soul.

We know the way there. We’ll help you find it too.