The Fallacy of Compromise

3-minute read — by BTES Staff

Few beliefs are as deeply woven into antiquated relationship folklore as the necessity of compromise. Browse the self-help section of a bookstore or search online and you’re sure to find a plethora of information espousing the necessity and benefit of compromise as the golden tool for everlasting relationship bliss.

To be clear, we’re not talking about willingness to be flexible or considerate of others, which are healthy relationship characteristics. A compromise, by definition, is the settlement of differences by mutual concession. In application, that means as long as both partners give up some piece of their needs, a conflict can be deescalated.

However, a deescalated conflict is not the same as finding mutual resolution, and creating greater connection to each other in the process. The suppression of individual needs universally leads to feeling unfulfilled, depressed, angry, smothered, controlled, unimportant, futile, and disconnected within a relationship. Is it any surprise then, that so many relationships fail because one or both partners feel their needs aren’t being met?

The premise that compromising your needs somehow results in a better relationship is an absolute fallacy. If just one person gives something up unwillingly, this problem might be labeled as yielding, losing, submitting, or deferring. Yet if both people in a partnership do this, it’s celebrated as successful compromise? That’s like saying a lose/lose scenario is actually a win. It’s not a win. It never was.

The only win is when both partners’ needs are completely met. This requires two primary skills: 1) Knowing what your true needs are; and 2) being willing to engage around your needs and your partner’s needs in order to find a solution that fulfills both. To many, this idea is as infeasible as walking on water, yet it is achievable through training and practice. A skilled therapist can help you identify your underlying needs, navigate the pitfalls and dynamics surrounding the conflicts that invite compromise, and learn the skills to engage with your partner in a healthy way—one where compromise is unnecessary and everyone’s needs get met.