Why Most Apologies Make Things Worse
Watch this one minute video
with Mary Beth Luedtke.
This video talks about why apologies fail, how emotional avoidance shows up in conflict, and what actually creates repair in relationships.
It’s not about sounding sincere — it’s about emotional skill and self-responsibility.
Why Bad Apologies Make Things Worse
Bad apologies don’t fail quietly. They often create more distance than the original issue. That’s because they interrupt connection instead of enabling it.
Apologies That Try to End Discomfort
Most bad apologies are driven by urgency. The speaker feels uncomfortable emotions and wants those feelings to stop. Saying “I’m sorry” becomes a way to avoid discomfort in the moment rather than deal with it.
The listener, however, is still experiencing the impact. When one person is trying to exit and the other is still processing, connection breaks down.
When They Focus on Intent Instead of Impact
Bad apologies often pivot quickly to intent or explanation:
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I didn’t realize.”
“I was just stressed.”
Even when true, these statements redirect the conversation away from how the other person was affected. Instead of feeling understood, the listener feels corrected. The impact of the behavior remains unaddressed.
Apologies That Ask for Reassurance
Many apologies subtly ask the hurt person to relieve the speaker’s discomfort:
“Are we okay?”
“You know I didn’t mean it, right?”
This reverses responsibility. The person who was affected now feels pressure to soothe the person who caused the pain. That dynamic strains trust rather than restoring it.
Language That Softens Responsibility
Avoiding Emotions
Effective repair requires acknowledging all the emotions involved, even when they are uncomfortable or painful, and staying engaged longer than feels convenient. Bad apologies rush past this moment. They prioritize relief over understanding.
A bad apology isn’t a character flaw. It’s a skill gap.
Most people were never taught how to engage in an effective apology process. Without that skill, apologies become tools for avoidance.
And avoidance doesn’t repair relationships.
Learn More About Mary Beth
Mary Beth’s approach to therapy is grounded in lived experience, not just theory. Her insights—shaped by real-world challenges like building a career, marriage, and parenting—help clients create meaningful, lasting change.
